


Dear Soulmate

by smexifelix



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans!Keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-08 03:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smexifelix/pseuds/smexifelix
Summary: In a world where around a third of people have soulmates whose names appear on their dominant wrist when they realize their true feelings for them, and where people who have such soulmates have small heart-shaped birthmarks on their wrist that develop in the womb, Keith discovers his gender identity as well as what it means to love and be loved.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently come out as a trans guy, so this story means a lot to me. (I know my username is girly, I created it before I was out even to myself. And I don't plan on changing it.) In other words, I will not accept any constructive criticism for this like I do for most works. I don't usually get any negative comments, but I just thought I'd point it out. I appreciate any positive input, but if you have something to say that's not positive then I don't want to hear it, and I won't let your comment publish.
> 
> On a positive note, I hope you enjoy!

August 4, 2013

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

Whoever you are, I’m missing you already. I wish that didn’t come through so ridiculously corny. In reality, I mean it in a ridiculously emo way. I don’t think we’ve met yet, and if we haven’t then I can hardly wait to. I can’t wait to be close to you. I want someone I can trust with my heart, even if it’s just platonic love. I want to be loved back - I want to be loved so bad. I’d never admit it to anyone else, but I’m always lonely.

 

One day, I know I’ll want to marry you. That’s how soulmates work, right? I’ve always wanted a family. If you don’t know already once I give this to you to read, I’m an orphan… And I’ve had so many so-called families but none of them feel real. And they change too often, nothing feels permanent. In fact, I just got a new “family” a few weeks ago. They aren’t horrible people, but I don’t want to get attached. None of my so-called-families have loved me, and sometimes I don’t feel like anyone could love me. But all my “families” say that this heart on my wrist means I’m going to have you someday.

 

I’ve had a few “friends,” but I never stay in one place long enough to feel close to them. Sometimes I feel so alone…

 

Sorry. I probably sound depressing. I have actually been diagnosed with depression, though, so at least I have an excuse. My new therapist is actually the one who suggested journaling as an outlet. But really, journaling to a “diary” makes me feel even lonelier. At least I know I’ll have you someday, and until I meet you I can still talk to you, even though you feel so far away. Not to mention, the word “diary” sounds super girly and, while I may be a girl, I don’t like girly things at all. I guess you could call me a “tomboy.”

 

Perhaps this is a way of introducing myself to you, even though by the time you read this, we’ll already be close. But, hey, it just feels more natural this way.

 

Hello, I’m Sakura Kogane, but I hate my name. I still can’t decide on what name I’d rather be called, but Sakura sounds horrible. Usually, I go by “K”, but even that doesn't feel quite right. But all the cool names are guys names, and it’s not exactly socially acceptable to go by a name that’s designed for a different gender than you. I have enough people bullying me as it is.

 

Anyway, I would apologize for ranting, but that’s kind of the point of this journal. Also, people say I apologize too much. My therapist says it’s a sign of childhood abuse, but whatever. More like a sign of a dysfunctional childhood. Could you expect anything less from being in the foster system from the time I was 4 years old, with my real parents so dead I can’t even remember them anymore?

 

Okay, wow, I just cried. A lot. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak, but at the same time, it kind of helps me feel better? I’m sure it has something to do with chemical reactions in my body that crying brings or something like that. Hopefully, you don’t think I’m too much of a nerd for saying that.

 

Surprisingly, journaling has made me feel a bit calmer, too. I mean, it shouldn’t be surprising because that’s what it’s supposed to do, but I didn’t think it would really work. I guess it’s just really nice to have someone to talk to, even though it’s not technically talking and you won’t read this for who-knows-how-long. But whatever. Actually, I’m tired, so I’m going to call it a night. I may write to you again; in fact, I probably will.

 

Best Regards,

 

K

  
  
  
  


August 15, 2013

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

So it turns out my new foster family is pretty decent. I’m actually starting to warm up to my foster father, Shiro. At first, I thought he was just fake nice because who is nice for real, without expecting something in return? But he seems pretty cool, so he might just be such a guy. I feel like I want to be more like him. Of course, society wouldn’t be so happy with me being too much like him because I’m a girl but screw gender.

 

I know I shouldn’t get too attached to him, but Shiro is growing on me. Allura, my foster mother, isn’t too horrible either. She’s strong but not abusive, which I like. There are not enough good women role models out there.

 

At the same time, though, a big part of me doesn’t actually want them to be so nice. I don’t want to like them. Because in the end, shit hits the fan. Either they’ll end up not being as nice as they seem or they just won’t be able to handle me. I’ve heard that too many times, “I just can’t handle you right now, Sakura!” Fucking people who are supposed to take care of me just make things worse, sometimes. They say I’m “acting out to get attention” when really I just want to disappear. Sometimes it’s because I lose my temper, and sometimes it’s because, well, depression gives me certain urges. Self-harm urges. Please don’t judge, I don’t understand it, either.

 

So having foster parents that I actually like, that’s almost scarier than having ones that were neglectful or emotionally abusive. After all, I don’t want to get my hopes up only for Shiro and Allura to realize that I’m not actually that lovable. I mean, even you, the person I’m destined to fall in love with, seem scary to me right now. It’s just… If I can’t love me, then how can anyone else? Every time I look in the mirror, I feel a little sick. It’s not even that I look horrible; I don’t even understand it. There are no recorded cases of unrequited soulmates, but some days I just feel like it’s too good to be true, or like I don’t deserve it. Really, what do I deserve?

 

Wow, sorry. Positive thoughts led to more depressing venting. I think I should take up the offer to see a psych med prescriber. Every day feels like my soul is walking in a desert, alone with my brooding thoughts, gritty sand, and scorching heat.

 

Sigh… If you ever do read this and you still somehow love me, then thank you.

 

Best regards,

 

K

  
  
  
  


October 23, 2013

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

It’s my birthday today. I was kind of afraid that no one would remember my birthday (it’s happened twice before unfortunately), but my whole foster family sat around the dining room table and sang happy birthday. I don’t usually like being the center of attention, but it was kind of nice. It’s like, sometimes I forget that I even exist, though I know that sounds crazy. After all, I’m usually sucked into some form of fiction, so I can kind of escape from reality.

 

When I blew out the candles, I thought about this poem at the end of Kingdom Hearts 2.

 

“Thinking of you, wherever you are.

We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend.

Now I will step forward to realize this wish.

And who knows:

starting a new journey may not be so hard,

or maybe it has already begun.

There are many worlds, but they share the same sky —

one sky, one destiny.”

 

All I remembered was “Thinking of you, wherever you are,” actually; I had to look up the rest online. But it’s fitting. I keep thinking about you, wherever you are, whoever you are. No matter how far away we are from each other, we share the same sky. No matter how long it will be until we’re together, us loving each other is destiny.

 

I know this was originally meant to be used as an outlet, but I’ve realized that if I’m going to be writing letters to you, I should share the happy moments too. I don’t want you to think the first 14 years of my life were nothing but hell, after all. I mean they haven’t been easy, that’s for sure, but sometimes there’s a faint light amidst the darkness.

 

K


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Thanks for the positive input! I meant to click the "This work has multiple chapters" box but I didn't even realize that this had actually posted: it was glitching out and said that my connection to AO3 cut out. I hope you enjoy the second chapter!

September 4, 2014

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I almost forgot this journal existed. I haven’t forgotten you, of course, but I haven’t felt the need to vent to a piece of paper in a quite a while. I’ve had Shiro to talk to. He really has become like a father to me. At first, I thought I had a crush on him, but let’s not go there. It’s more of a man crush. Can girls have man crushes?

 

Anyway, it was the first day of high school for me, today. It’s not all too different from middle school, but today something out of the normal happened. People in my math class actually tried talking to me instead of ignoring me or bullying me. One of them is a sophomore, and one went to the same middle school as me but is more reserved. The one my age is named Pidge; I can’t tell if they’re a boy or a girl for the life of me but I’m afraid to ask. Lance just called Pidge “they” when referring to them, so that’s what I’m going to do. Pidge is smart in both the intelligent way and the sarcastic way, which I like. The sophomore is named Lance, and he and Pidge were already friends. He’s the one who initiated conversation.

 

Lance actually told me a really horrible pickup line. “Hi, I know we’ve never met, but I just have to point out that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. In person, I mean.”

 

I had no idea what to say to that so I kind of just shrank and blushed. Then Pidge scolded Lance, “Lance, stop harassing the poor kid!”

 

Lance quickly apologized, explaining that sometimes he says things without thinking. Then Pidge and he started bickering for a bit, and they invited me into the conversation. I’m not going to jump right in and say they we might become friends, but it was nice having a friendly conversation with someone outside of my foster family.

 

I kind of wonder what you’ll be like. Lance has a soulmate, too, I saw it on his wrist - wouldn’t it be hilarious if he was you? I mean it’s not that I do or don’t like him, but that just seems like an interesting way to meet your soulmate. But really, I doubt it. With my luck, I won’t meet you until I’m thirty. I guess I’ll just wish for the best.

 

Best Regards,

 

K

  
  
  


October 3, 2014

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

So, I messed up again. I don’t think I’ve recorded any of my mess-ups yet in this journal, but I mess up a lot. Too much. I just don’t understand social situations whatsoever.

 

I developed a weird sort of relationship with Lance, Pidge, and their friend Hunk.  So I’ve been sitting with them at lunch, and I tried not to read too much into it since there are only so many tables in the cafeteria. Pidge, Lance and I also sit with each other at math, and I’ve helped Lance some with his homework. We’ve talked some every day, but I didn’t and still don’t know what label to put on our relationship.

 

Today, some girl asked me, “Does your friend have a girlfriend?” She pointed at Lance. Then I, stupidly, said, “Oh, we’re not friends. We just kind of sit by each other.” Lance heard and, well… I feel like an idiot.

 

Apparently, Lance thought we were friends and I hurt him. It’s not even that I don’t want to be his friend, it’s just that I didn’t know. And, with my stupid words, I ruined the friendship I didn’t know I had.

 

Sigh… I’ll write to you later.

 

K

 

October 4, 2014

 

Wow. All I had to do was apologize, and Lance apologized back. He said he overreacted (he was kind of dramatic, but it’s hard for me to tell what reactions are justified for what situations. I’ve spent my whole life as a social outcast, after all). Maybe I’m not a total screw up after all? So, I guess I have friends now. Not just Lance, but Hunk and Pidge too.

 

I feel like things are finally looking up. It’s like I’ve opened a window in a stuffy room, and now it’s easier to breathe.

 

Thanks for “listening.”

 

K

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love positive input!


	3. Chapter 3

March 8, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

My mind is completely blown right now. I found out Pidge’s gender, and they’re not a boy or a girl. They’re something called nonbinary. It turns out that gender and biological sex are two completely different things. It’s hard to believe this has been the truth for so long and I didn’t know until now. I turn 15 in less than two weeks, for Fate’s sake! But I’ve discovered it and it’s beautiful.

 

People like to put other people in boxes. They label each other and judge other people for having one label or another. I’ve always know that I’m expected to act a certain way because I’m “assigned female at birth.” I have these stupid boobs and this high voice, so people have expectations of me, like how if I dress up then I should wear a dress and makeup. Let me say this: I hate makeup. It looks fine on other people but when I wear it I feel just so fake. It’s like when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself.

 

I’ve learned that there’s a community of people who identify differently than the gender they were assigned at birth. It’s called being transgender. That’s actually what the T in LGBT stands for.

 

Knowing this has opened my eyes. I can’t help but think, what if I start to dress like a guy, and refuse to wear girly things? What if I go by a guy name and “he/him” pronouns? It feels so amazing to have this option for me, even if I’d probably be way too scared to actually do it.

 

This feels kind of weird to admit, but I’ve always wanted a penis. I used to think it was just a weird sexual fetish to think about having one while I masturbate. But now I know that it’s called “gender dysphoria.”

 

The problem is, though, that a lot of people are transphobic.  I’ve had enough bullying - from classmates, foster families, and even myself - to last more than a lifetime. Besides, I don’t want to just do it because I can. Sometimes I start obsessing over something for a few weeks to a few months only to completely lose interest. I’ve actually been diagnosed with something called “Borderline Personality Disorder” which has a lot of negative connotations but really just means my emotions are really big and I’m impulsive. Also, BPD is usually diagnosed to girls, so maybe that’s proof I shouldn’t be a guy?  


This whole concept is confusing. It’s making my head hurt. I keep thinking myself in circles and really, even if I wanted to (and a big part of me does want to right now) I’d be too scared to. After all, most of the bullying I’ve encountered so far has been verbal, and I’ve noticed that guys bully other guys in a lot more violent ways. And if I was a trans guy, I’d be a gay trans guy which would be even worse. I guess it’s not that I want to become a guy, but that a big part of me wishes I was born a guy.

 

I haven’t told anyone about any of this. Maybe I should talk to Pidge about it? They’d be more understanding. Lance and Hunk would be understanding, too, but they’d be more sympathetic than empathetic.

 

At least I get to talk to you about this. I may have done a lot of research on gender lately, but I’ve been doing research on soulmates for years. I have faith that you’ll accept me as I am. And if you don’t… Well, maybe Fate made a mistake. But like I said, I have high hopes. I’ve teaching myself to be more optimistic. Actually, I think Lance is. He’s probably my best friend. He always stays positive, and he knows how to make me smile when I’m feeling down. He’s pretty awesome.

 

It was nice writing to you. It’s helped me sort my thoughts a little bit at least. I’m going to ask my friends for advice. If I can gather up the nerve…

 

Thanks for “listening.”

 

K

  
  
  


March 16, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I asked Pidge, finally. You know what they said? “Just do whatever feels right for you.” I don’t know why I expected more concrete advice about something as intangible as gender. And I thought about asking Lance, but one: he probably knows less about it then Pidge, and two: well, okay, I’m just going to say it. I like him. I know there’s a very real possibility that you’re not him, but I have to vent somehow. It’s just a crush though! I mean, I hope. I mean, he’s a great friend, but I don’t need to be more than a friend with anybody while I’m still trying to find myself. And he flirts some with me still, but I mean he flirts with lots of people, and most of them are girls. He play-flirts with Hunk, but it’s very obviously joking. He’s very clear that Hunk is like a brother to him.

 

Maybe Lance is only play-flirting with me, too? Maybe I’m like a ~~si~~ brother to him, too? Okay, yeah, I don’t need to ask anyone’s advice. I am  not a fucking girl. It just feels so wrong to call myself one, now. It’s so fucking weird...

 

Wow. I promise that I don’t curse this much, usually. I only curse when I’m both upset and talking to someone I’m really comfortable with. Those “someone”s are only you, Lance, and Pidge. Hunk, however, is like a giant teddy bear I’m afraid I’ll defile his ears by cursing in front of him. As for Shiro and Allura, they’re awesome but they’re my parents. And my foster siblings are just, I don’t know. I don’t get along with most people for some reason. People look at my depressed state and either think that I’m angry or secretly a serial killer. I guess a serial killer would be pretty angry, though? But I’d rather die than kill anyone else.

 

Sigh, I’m also not usually this talkative, even with my friends. This journal is pretty much word vomit. My mind is even more busy than this, believe it or not, though.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

K

  
  
  


March 21, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I’m definitely a guy. I made a long list of my dysphoria. I’m not a super “manly” guy but I’m a guy for sure, at least on the inside. Okay, I’ve admitted it, now what? Now nothing because I’m a coward. But at least I’m out to you, right? I mean, I’m out to this journal, which you will one day read.

 

You know what, I just need to stay positive. It’s rumored that gay marriage is going to be legal in all 50 states soon. There’s a big movement going on. One day being LGBT will be widely accepted. One day I’ll be confident enough to be myself without this self-doubt looming over me. I look forward to that day.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

May 27, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I cut my hair short, with the excuse that it’s been too hot. Thankfully it’s socially acceptable for girls to have short hair at least. I’ve also stopped wearing anything girly. My wardrobe now consists of jeans and unisex graphic tees. I’ve also stopped shaving my legs, and no one’s pointed it out yet but when they do I guess I’ll just say something feminism-related.

 

It’s amazing, though, all my life I’ve looked in the mirror and saw a stranger. I didn’t even use to know why: I thought I was just insecure about my appearance. Now that I’ve allowed myself to look more like a guy, I can actually recognize myself. There are no words that can properly convey how it feels.

 

I’ve also been looking at guy names. There are a few that stick out. I’m mostly looking at names that start with K, since I go by K. There’s Keith, which I really like because it was my father’s name, but I’m not sure if I could honor his memory. Would he be okay with me being trans, if he survived long enough to know? I don’t want to think too hard about that, though.

 

Then there’s Kaden, Kent, Kristian (Kris), and Kyle. Keanu is cool, too, but it doesn’t really feel like me, unless I go by Ken, but that sounds like I’m Barbie's boyfriend so no thanks. It’s hard. Choosing my own name is a lot of pressure. Thankfully I have time, though, since I’m not out yet; or maybe not so thankfully? It’s getting harder to hide, and I do want my friends and family to know sooner or later.

 

Pidge asked about my gender identity. I told them the truth, but I made them promise not to tell anyone and to keep calling me she. They encouraged me to tell Lance and Hunk, too, but they understood that I’m not ready for them to know yet.

 

K

  
  
  
  


November 5, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

Lance kissed me! Lance fucking kissed me, oh my Fate. I just stood there, completely still, and gaped at him wordlessly. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I didn’t know what to do. Then he apologized. Then I blew up at him because I did like it and I did not want him to apologize. But that’s not what I said, of course, because that would be too embarrassing. So I pretty much just told him not to do it again. Oh, Fate… And I’m still not out to him, so I don’t know what to do.

 

This guy is driving me crazy. I keep finding myself fantasizing that he might be you. Sigh… I’d rip these pages out but I can’t bring myself to. I hope you don’t get jealous if you aren’t really him.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

K

  
  
  
  


December 18, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I finally came out to my friends today. I didn’t even plan on it.

 

It’s because I met Pidge’s brother, Matt. After we were introduced, he asked what the K stood for. Then it just came out. “It’s Keith.”

 

I’ve been playing with the name in my head since I came out to myself, and I’ve decided shaming myself doesn’t fix anything. I keep looking at the few pictures I have of my parents, and I can’t help but see myself in my father. And I’ve been sick of this shame eating up my insides. So that’s what I’ve been calling myself in my head. I don’t even remember when it was exactly that I decided it for sure.

 

So when Matt asked, “What’s the K stand for?” that’s what I said, without thinking, because that’s what I’ve been wanting to be called.

 

The weirdest thing is how cool everyone was about it. It should have been pretty obvious that I regretted saying it as soon as I caught on to the fact that I had said it, but Pidge started referring to me as a guy without hesitation, and Hunk and Lance caught on quickly.

 

Then when Matt left the room, Lance blurted out, “So you’re a guy?” Then I kind of froze. “Err, kind of? I mean, not physically but… on the inside?” I said. Then he just smiled and said, “Alright, cool. So do you want to be called K still? Or Keith?” It was as easy as that. It was too easy. I expected the world to end somehow, but it didn’t. I’m not about to declare to the world that I’m trans, but knowing that my best friends support me just feels so freaking amazing. I can’t stop smiling.

 

My name is Keith Kogane. My friends are amazing, more than I could ever hope for. I’m hoping my family will be understanding, too, when I tell them. I’m also hoping that my name comes up correctly on your wrist… They say that nicknames don’t get written. What’s considered a nickname, I wonder?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I underlined some words throughout the story on GDocs, but then when I copied and pasted onto AO3 they didn't come out as underlined, so I just went through and underlined them today.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

December 21, 2015

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

Allura wanted to take me shopping for a dress for the Christmas party we’re going to on Christmas Eve. Then, somehow, I managed to tell her. This time it wasn’t impulsive, which actually made it harder. I kept talking myself out of coming out to my parents, and I almost continued to, but I decided that it was a good opportunity. Also, I used to wear dresses because they were comfortable, but I’ve always hated how I looked in them. I’ve vowed to never wear a dress again.

 

So Allura said to me and my two foster siblings, “I want you all to dress up for the party. K and Shay, I was thinking we could go dress shopping today. You especially need one, K, I don’t think you even own one?”

 

So I manned up. With my heart hammering and a lump clogging up my throat, I admitted. “I don’t want to wear a dress. Could I wear guy dress clothes instead? I… I’m a guy. Inside. And I want to be one on the outside, too.”

 

No one seemed too surprised, although they were all pretty confused. I guess they just needed some more explaining. Shiro, though, was there, and Fate I love him. He ruffled my hair and told me I was brave, and that he loves me no matter what. He told me I was brave. It felt amazing to be told that, especially by Shiro.

 

Am I brave? I’m somewhat of a scared little boy on the inside, but I guess being brave means facing your fears? It makes me want to stop hiding.

 

Then Shiro pulled me aside and asked what wanting to be a boy on the outside meant. He told me about how some trans people use hormones and/or surgery to make themselves more like a male, but also how even with the hormones, a lot of the changes are irreversible so I’d have to be absolutely sure for a long time. He explained that it requires a lot of documentation that I have gender dysphoria and that I should start getting the documentation as soon as I can.

 

He suggested I should start seeing a therapist again, both for the documentation and to have professional advice to help me deal with the adjustment and the dysphoria. I agree with him, so I’ll be starting seeing a therapist pretty soon. In fact, I feel like I should have started seeing one again quite a while ago. Being trans is hard. It’s hard in so many ways, some of which I can’t explain.

 

But I’ll make it through. With my friends and family, I know I can get through this somehow.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Keith

  
  
  
  


January 19, 2016

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I’m out to the public now. Here’s what I’ve discovered:

 

On the occasions when people use the right pronouns without me telling them, it feels freaking amazing. One time, a woman in the grocery store told me, “Sir, you can’t eat on the furniture,” and all I cared about was that I was called “sir.” I managed to play it cool when she could still see me, but pretty soon I grinned to myself like a crazy person.

 

But, still, a lot of people use the wrong pronouns. I know my friends try, and Shiro tries, and it’s not easy to change the way you refer to someone you already know well. We’ve reached a point where every time they slip, they correct themselves soon after. But I feel like Allura just doesn’t care, which actually really hurts me. She has implied that she thinks I’m just going through a phase, and she says she won’t let me take testosterone until I’m 18. The worst part is, she actually thinks that’s what’s best for me, like I might change my mind someday, and no matter how hard I try to make her understand that I’m not going to change my mind, she won’t budge.

 

Then there’s people still calling me she who I’m not as close to. For the most part, people misgendering me is just irritating, but some people I’ve told them my preferred pronouns and they call me a “she” anyway. Then they get irritated when I correct them. It’s just… I’m kind of lost on what to do when it comes to what I should do in those situations. I’m not even sure why it bothers me this much. I used to just say, “screw gender!”, but now that I’ve found out who I am, it feels horrible when people aren’t okay with this part of me. When people call me “she”, it feels like I’m going a step backward in my personal development.

 

Then there’s binding. For a week or so, I was wearing a one-size-too-small sports bra, and I didn’t really like the way it felt but I wore it anyway because I didn’t realize that it was actually really unhealthy. It cut off my circulation some and made it harder to breathe, even though it wasn’t that noticeable at first. I’ve learned that it’s not safe to bind with anything that isn’t designed solely for binding. So I convinced my parents to buy me a safe binder. I still can’t wear it for more than six hours at a time (sometimes less), and I still feel like my boobs are too noticeable unless I layer with loose clothes on top of it, but it was the same with the sports bra, and it feels so much better to wear that that sports bra did. (Layers help make my torso look more flat, so I’m not looking forward to the summertime when it’ll be too hot to layer.)

 

Don’t get me started on periods and public bathrooms.

 

In a lot of ways, being out feels amazing. It’s like I can finally be myself, and I finally know how to be myself. In other ways, it’s hard. I hate that people don’t seem to understand that I am a guy, even though I have a female body, but it’s not just that. Some of it comes from inside of me. There’s the internalized shame for being something that isn’t “normal,” and there’s the fear of being misgendered. But having my friends, family, therapist, and loads of Youtube videos as support, the shame is shrinking.

 

Then another thing that sucks is something that seems counterintuitive. Now that I’ve realized I have gender dysphoria, the dysphoria has gotten worse. I want my boobs gone. Binding sucks. I never liked wearing a bra, either. And I just keep thinking to myself, why was I born in the wrong body?

 

But having a therapist helps some. And my friends are still amazing, especially Lance. Surprisingly, Lance is even better at comforting me than Pidge, even though Pidge has some gender dysphoria too. My crush on him feels like it’s not going away any time soon, and it’s not just because I’m attracted to him. He’s just such an incredible person. Again, if you’re not him, please don’t be jealous. And if you are him, well… nevermind, it’s not important.

 

But what it comes down to is that I’m learning to love myself. Despite the trials that come with being out of the closet, I feel like it’s actually easier to love myself now. I finally know who I am.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Positive comments are appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

February 14, 2016

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

Lance got stood up today by his own girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day. I am so fucking angry at her, but when she apologized saying, “ Sorry, I was just so caught up in homework, ” as if that was a valid excuse, Lance forgave her. That Nyma… she doesn’t deserve him. I wish I could get Lance to see that.

 

On the plus side, I’ve learned that Lance’s mom makes  amazing chocolate chip cookies. Like, melt-in-your-mouth, fantastically delicious chocolate chip cookies. I’m hoping I’ll be able to convince her to make some for my birthday when my next one comes along. Or maybe Lance’s birthday, since that’s closer.

 

Best Regards,

 

Keith

  
  
  
  
  


February 23, 2016

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

So, I have a confession to make. Lance said he couldn’t wait to fall in love with his soulmate, and I was feeling a little bitter so I told him “The first one to fall in love loses.” It’s just a phrase I’ve heard, and I didn’t realize he’d take it seriously.

 

Lance bet that I’d fall in love with my soulmate before they fell in love with me. He thinks that I’m secretly a hopeless romantic. The sad part is, what he said is probably true. So I’m hoping that you’ll fall in love with me first so I won’t have to give Lance $20. 

 

Why is it that I’m incapable of backing down from a challenge? Maybe incapable is a strong word, but… yeah. I am such a guy. Haha, saying that makes me so happy.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Keith

  
  
  
  
  


March 15, 2016

 

Uh, wow. I mean… wow. Okay, sorry. 

 

Dear Soulmate,

 

I guess I owe you $20. I know who you are for sure now, and I’m not surprised because I've been falling for you since the day I met you, but at the same time I am surprised because this means you’re destined to love me back. You heard me , "back." I know now that it really is love. I love you Lance, so freaking much.

 

When Nyma left you, it was for a horrible reason. You are so much more than just a hot body, and saving yourself for your soulmate is actually a fantastic and honorable idea, and I’m not just saying that because I know now that I’m your soulmate. When I tried to comfort you, and you cried in my arms, I realized that you deserve the world, and I want to find a way to give it to you. My arm burned and I looked over your shoulder to see your name inked onto my arm in your handwriting. It was kind of amazing, honestly. I wanted to tell you right then, but I was too scared. So when you fell asleep I just kind of left, and I’m sorry about that. But I’ll find a way to tell you, and explain everything, just as soon as I gather up the nerve.

 

Lance, I want us to be together in a romantic relationship. I also understand if you’re not ready, though. I would  never force or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.

 

Thanks for reading, Lance. I love you.

 

Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter. Thanks for all the great input!

Keith tosses and turns in his bed, part of him wishing that he had decided on a quicker way to confess to Lance. But he just couldn’t get the words out, didn’t even know what words to say. So he gave Lance the notebook and told Lance to read the whole thing by the next time they see or talk to each other.

 

In hindsight, telling Lance, who has ADHD and doesn’t usually like reading, to read that much before they talk again wasn’t very smart. After all, Keith isn’t exactly known for his patience. Now he just stares at his phone and counts the minutes as if that will make time go by faster. He’s both eager and afraid to hear Lance’s response.

 

There’s a knock on the front door and Keith’s heart jumps out of his chest. He nearly trips over himself rushing to the door. He opens it.

 

“Nope, just me,” Pidge says as Keith deflates.

 

Keith pauses. “Wait, how did you-”

 

“Lance told me that you gave him letters you wrote to your soulmate. It takes only half a brain to realize that he’s your soulmate. So, since I know both of you and how long this has been brewing between the two of you, I know that when he’s done reading you guys are going to need these,” Pidge says, giving Keith a small gift bag that says “Congratulations!” on the front. Keith eyes it warily before taking it and peeking inside of it. He nearly drops it when he realizes what it is: a box of condoms.

 

Keith splutters. “I uh- We wo-uh… Wha-! Pidge!”

 

Pidge just smiles, raises their eyebrows, and says, “You’re welcome. I’ve gotta fly, my aunt needs me to babysit. I just came by to give you this. I recommend that you don’t let your parents see it.”

 

Keith breathes slow, hot breath out of his nose, his face feeling very warm. Great, now he has more things to have anxiety and impatient anticipation about.

 

Keith takes a cold shower before dressing for bed, trying not to stress too much about what to wear. It’s not like Lance will be able to finish it all tonight, right? Will he? Keith really doesn’t know. He decides to try and not think about it, especially because of Pidge’s “gift” and the fact that he’s home alone (his foster parents are on a date and his foster siblings are all visiting biological family or being babysat at Allura’s uncle’s house).

Keith distracts himself with a movie, and when that doesn’t work he plays Final Fantasy 12 while listening to the pop music playlist Lance made for him on Youtube.

 

Eventually, his phone rings. Keith grabs it quickly, half-expecting another false alarm until he sees a picture of Lance and him on it. He answers it almost instantly, but he freezes instead of speaking. Thankfully, Lance talks first.

 

“Keith where are you now?” Lance says quickly. His voice is loud like he’s excited, but it’s also richer than usual.

 

“Home,” Keith says.

 

“Stay there. I’m coming.”

 

The walk from Lance’s house to Keith’s house is usually about half an hour, but in less than 10 minutes there’s a knock on Keith’s front door. When Keith opens the door, he’s instantly trapped in a desperate embrace.

 

“I love you,” Lance says, panting. The words vibrate through Keith’s being, and he barely has the mind to shut the door before pinning Lance to said door and kissing him. It’s the first kiss that Keith’s ever started or reciprocated, but he doesn’t think about how he might be messing up. His mind is filled with Lance’s words, and Lance’s touches, and Lance’s taste and smell. Keith feels like his body is melting into fudge chocolate.

 

It isn’t long before they have to part for air, though. Lance is way out of breath. He trembles a little bit on his legs, so together they stumble over to the couch until their laying with Keith spooning Lance and holding each other’s hands at the same time. Keith doesn’t even mind how sweaty Lance is, and he lets Lance play with his hands.

 

“I’m so flipping happy right now,” Lance says between pants.

 

‘Me too,’ Keith thinks, but instead of saying that he asks, “Did you run all the way here?”

 

“Of course I did! Would you do any different?” Lance asks. Keith blushes, and Lance rolls over a little to him sweetly. Keith feels like his heart has wings.

 

“I love you, too,” Keith says when they part.

 

“Can I see it?” Lance asks. 

 

Keith bites his lip and they both sit up, although Lance is still mostly in Keith’s lap. Keith shows Lance his wrist. Lance traces it, and electricity shoots through Keith’s body. Lance kisses it sensually, and Keith has to pull away because it feels so good.

 

Their eyes lock heatedly and Keith wants to kiss again, but then Lance brings up his arm. “Look. Look what it says.”

 

Keith looks at Lance’s wrist, already boundlessly happy that Lance has his soul mark when Keith reads it. It reads  _ Keith _ . Not Sakura, not K,  _ Keith _ . Keith wonders if you can die from euphoria.

 

Sooner or later, they go up to Keith’s room. They cuddle for a while, kissing now and then until they start making out and get lost in each other. Clothes are lost, Pidge’s gift is made good use of, and Keith forgets, for a while, how much he hates his body. The look in Lance’s eyes makes Keith feel perfect, and all that he can think about is Lance, Lance, and Lance. His best friend, his new lover, and his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this! Have a great day, everyone.


End file.
